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Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
PDF Ebook Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
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Review
This wonderfully readable book is totally devoid of jargon and pedantry. The writing is concise and simple, although the subject is complex and weighty. With picturesque nosology, Dr. Lawson writes about the waif, hermit, queen, and witch mothers. Her unique examination of borderline mothers and how they relate to their children culminates in a discussion of what can be done for both from an interpersonal perspective. Replete with clinical vignettes, this book is entertaining as well as informative. (Peter L. Giovacchini)This well-researched and beautifully written book presents in graphic, specific, clinical detail overwhelming evidence to resolve any ambiguity about the relationship of the borderline mother to her children. The many faces of the borderline mother are nicely differentiated and described. Dr. Lawson also provides guidelines on how to manage a relationship with a borderline mother constructively. A helpful read for all therapists who work with borderline patients. (James F. Masterson)Masked by a smile, behind the pinafore of maternal attachment, lurks a borderline mother. Dr. Lawson offers a compelling portrait of mothers who project massive states of confusion and terror into their children. She presents a variety of mothers, including the make-believe mother, the fairy tale mother, the queen and witch mother, along with specific clinical suggestions for dealing with each type. This spellbinding contribution to the literature provides effective treatment procedures for therapists working within the spectrum of borderline phenomenology. (Joan Lachkar)Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent. Consequently, the child is programmed for a lifelong struggle against failure. For over twenty years, people have shared their own agonizing stories with me, looking to my journey for a sense of hope. The compassionate understanding and professional assistance in this book are a road map out of failure. (Christina Crawford)
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About the Author
Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker in private practice in Indianapolis, Indiana. She has previously served as adjunct faculty at Indiana University-Purdue University, Indianapolis, and Butler University.
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Product details
Paperback: 330 pages
Publisher: Rowan & Littlefield (2004)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 9780765703316
ISBN-13: 978-0765703316
ASIN: 0765703319
Product Dimensions:
6.1 x 1 x 9.1 inches
Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.7 out of 5 stars
397 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#27,975 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
If I could give this book a thousands stars and then take the author to lunch I would. I cannot tell you what this book offered in terms of emotional relief but I will try. This book was like reading about most of my childhood. I finally at 34 years old had the epiphany that if this book was right then logically there was credible evidence that I was not actually a bad person. I realized at core that I believed I was bad. Truly bad. How can you see anything realistically or find happiness if you are bad at your core ? The felt what I would describe was an opening inside my heart. A space created to allow me to look over things that have happened differently. I feel quiet. For the first time perhaps ever ( while not on drugs ) I am quiet inside. There is no guilt, shame, self loathing, and feeling of pouncing on someone for putting me down. Just quiet. I feel nice. I feel quiet. These last 6 days have been so lovely. I am half way through the book and can't wait to see what it says next. Thank god for this book. I have hated myself for most of my life and tried destroying myself to make the self loathing end for so long. But I'm not bad. I don't know what I am but not being bad is a really nice start. Thank you Chrisrine Lawson. Thank you.
Let's imagine your parents never taught you to walk or even exposed you to the concept of walking, and you spent the last 40 years crawling on your hands and knees. You would definitely wonder why everyone else seemed to ambulate more efficiently, but you'd lack the mental framework to identify the difference between walking and crawling, as this concept had never been taught to you in the early years when it most mattered. Seeing people move about using only their feet would definitely fascinate you, and you'd want to try the concept, but after 40 years on hands and knees, you'd probably fall down a lot, and it might be difficult to automatically develop a sense of balance without some guidance.Learning to love and trust after growing up in a BPD household is not that different.It's easy for the armchair quarterbacks to suggest that those traumatized by BPD parents should just quit their dang whining, snap out of it and get with the program, but those traumatized by a BPD parent have a very different definition of love (and a painful one at that) than those reared in more authentically and altruistically loving households. I would wager that 100 out of 100 BPD-traumatized people would trade a kidney for the capacity to just "snap out of it," as the internal work that needs to be done is arduous and sometimes even more painful than what happened as a child.Stopping the cycles of abuse requires recognition of the problem and modifications to behavior. This book is a good beginning.My copy of the book was published in 2000, when bookshelves were not as well stocked for quality personal psychology books but were certainly rife with plenty of flim-flam pop psychology. In the sixteen years since, the decreasing stigma for mental health issues as well as ever-expanding media resources have increased the public vocabulary in the area of psychology. There has been additional research on BPD since 2000 with many publications for patients taking a more clinical tone than this book, but considering this book in context, it is a smart, well-written volume for the 2000 audience, utilizing archetypes to illustrate different types of BPD in mothers.Some reviewers claim the archetypes seem a bit harsh, but if the title was "Understanding the Borderline Co-Worker" instead of "Understanding the Borderline Mother," I suspect there would be fewer complaints of that nature. The concept of motherhood has been sanctified for so long that it's difficult to take mothers (even those that have inflicted harm) down from the pedestal to analyze behavior in a constructive way. The celebrity examples do seem a bit out of context, both in 2000 and in 2016, and seem a bit exaggerated relative to the other examples of behavior.If you're dealing with, or suspect you're dealing with BPD in your family, the best case scenario is to have a good therapist as your Sherpa as you navigate those waters. At the very least, you'll have an objective voice of reason in your exploration; ideally, your experienced therapist has helped others through all stages of healing and will have insight to expedite your path to health. BPD is heavy stuff, and even if you've dealt with other major issues in therapy in the past, BPD weighs in so much more exponentially.This book will likely validate your childhood experiences that previously did not make sense. There are passages that will help you identify what's missing in your early childhood development and will clarify what you can do as an adult to rectify that lack of early development and move toward a life of love and trust. I would not attempt to use this book as my sole source in healing myself and/or my relationships with those who have BPD, but it will help as a complementary part of education and therapy.The book is NOT meant to nit-pick the parenting of the majority of the population.For those affected by BPD, this book is not "just another excuse to whine," and it's highly insensitive and demonstrates ignorance (or perhaps denial?) of the diagnosis to suggest it is.Ironically, it's the very absence of a lifetime "whining" or even uttering a single complaint for most BPD-traumatized individuals that has ultimately produced the most dysfunction in their own lives. Many have suffered in silence from their abuse, assuming the definition of "love" they were given in childhood required them to accommodate abuse from others. There's no retirement plan for martyrs, and this book will let you know you're not alone if that was your history. I hope it helps and hope there are brighter days full of love ahead for you.
A must-read. I am a 27 year old mental health provider, who works with people with borderline personality disorder, believe it or not. I always thought there was something wrong with my mother growing up, but remained silent because I thought no one would believe me. This book provided the validation I have been seeking all these years. I am completely estranged from my mother, who was definitely emotionally abusive and manipulative, and a little bit physically abusive, which curtailed as I grew older. She is a mixture of the "Witch" and "Queen" types mentioned in the book, and it was so affirming to know why I behaved the way I did, and that a lot of the interventions I used to deal with her behavior made sense. Looking back now, I am so thankful for getting out when I did. I am lucky that I saw everything for what it was. So thankful for this book.
I absolutely love this book. I had a very difficult childhood living with my single, Borderline, alcoholic, and Narcissistic mother. I never knew (or even really thought) that it was so bad until my late teenage years when the effects of what I went through started to become clear. I couldn't really see it while I was still living with her, because I was still in it. It was my reality, it was all I knew, and it was screwed up.I bought this book years ago on here on a whim and it changed everything for me. My mother had mentioned that a doctor told her she needed therapy for her Borderline and I had no idea what that meant. When I got and read this book it transformed my brain and understanding of Borderline. I was a budding Psychology student at the time, and I was also just getting into the process of healing years of trauma. Because of this book I understand why I have so many of the issues I do, I understand my mother and why she had the issues she did (without the need to feel sorry for her--I simply just understand it), and I feel so much less crazy. I still have a long way to go but this book was, and still is, key in my recovery and development of my own identity, separate from my mothers. I recommend it for anyone and everyone who grew up with a Borderline mother.
This is the best book I have ever read. This book saved my life it is my survival bible for dealing with my mother. The book is so good that I bought a hard copy the audible version and one for iPad. I have read it five times, it changed my life and empowered me to remove my borderline magnet. If you want to stop attracting borderlines into your life and have a better understanding of family of origin roles and dynamics and adult relationship patterns this book is your life saver.
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